Assault on a teacher should be pretty serious business, but, unfortunately, my Southern Accent has prevented appropriate action on what should have been a criminal act.
Suffice to say, I was wholly unprepared for the attack in the hall yesterday. The surprise was greater than the pain. I didn't even see it coming, but I felt it, a sharp pain to my left elbow. The kids around me immediately went silent, and I, being of sharp wit, conducted a complete vicinity burn. All of the kids in the area were sent directly into my classroom.
All of the James Patterson and Patricia Cornwell novels I've read have taught me many things, mainly that if evidence and witnesses get away, the crime gets that much harder to solve.
I began asking questions quickly, and determined my primary suspect. The suspect was coming down the hall just after the incident, and I pulled him in my room as well. He denied everything, of course, but after a little "Bad Cop" routine, and a quick mention of possible juvenile detention for conducting a violent act, he caved, and became strangely apologetic. I sent the other kids out, and had my suspect sit down.
He was trembling with fear as I called the office to find out the procedure for assault on a teacher. Unfortunately, the secretary doesn't understand my accent over the phone, and initially thought I said, "THOUGHT" on a teacher...which makes no sense. I said "assault" again, and she responded with "THONG? Thong on a teacher?" I ended up spelling it, and she screamed with laughter when she figured it out. The principal happened to be standing near her desk and she explained that a student had thrown an object at me, and that I had been assaulted. The principal wanted to know what was thrown, so the secretary asked me.
I responded with: A MUFFIN.
The secretary was hysterical, and made me laugh in front of the kid I was playing Bad Cop with. The principal was all business, though, and wanted me to see the nurse before I wrote the kid up. That made me laugh even more.
Long story longer...I sent the kid back to class scared to death that he would soon be interviewed by the police. I took the deadly muffin up to the office, and wrote the kid up, attaching the muffin to the write up form. I then presented it to the secretary and said, "We're going to have to get over our cultural differences over the phone if I'm going to effectively discipline children. I mean really, THONG ON A TEACHER?"
We laughed the rest of the afternoon, in fact, I'm still laughing at it. However, my left elbow IS a little sore from the muffin impact. I'm just so thankful that the muffin didn't contain nuts...I could have ended up in surgery to remove the pecan shrapnel.
Are purple hearts given for any wound while in service...or do you have to take a bullet specifically?
No comments:
Post a Comment