My sister has finally joined the rest of our family over the hill. A humped back and chewing tobacco can't be far away! (I should have sent her chewing tobacco for her birthday...the best ideas always come to me way after the fact...)
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Old Fart! It's time for you to start looking and acting the part: might I suggest a bright blue polyester suit with the scent of Ben Gay. You could add a wide brim wicker hat to help avoid those pesky sun/age spots.
AARP should be contacting you soon for early admission. (Because I called them and told them how old you are.) I might have fudged the number just a little. But that's okay, think of all the discounts you'll get if you can start eating dinner before 4:00 pm. That way, you should be able to get home just in time for Wheel of Fortune and an Alka Seltzer tonic before bedtime at 7:30.
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