The Bunnies Are Back In Town...

While weed whacking the other night, I disturbed a nest of baby bunnies that live under our pool deck. They came scampering out when I got too close and I was afraid I had hurt them. I scooped them up into a box and came in to ask Liz what I should do. I was going to call my buddy Bernard in Kannapolis, but was afraid his answer would have ended one of two ways: either involving the grill or the freezer. After consulting the Internet, I decided just to put them back under the deck and hope for the best. After the sun went down, I was relieved to see the mother rabbit back and playing with the young 'ens in the yard.

Later when I went outside, the mother rabbit came hopping up to me, stuck up one of her white paws, and said, "Why were you messing with my babies? I work three jobs for next to no pay and gotta come home to find my house all but cut down and babies scared to death to go to sleep."

"I saved your babies," I said. "In the course of maintaining a pleasant environmental aesthetic, I somewhat scared your children, but I apologized and put them back in the nest."

"I don't want your excuses, big man. I want you to stay the hell away from my kids. If you really want to do something useful, why don't you get rid of the cat, the raccoon, or the skunk? Just stop messing with me, or I'll make you sorry."

I was shocked at the rabbit's tone. I had saved her children and she was giving me attitude.

"Listen," I said, "this is my yard. I said I was sorry, but I will quarter and fry you up if you don't zip up those little rabbit lips. I've had enough of your mess. Don't you toss those little whiskers at me, I'll toss that little head of yours."

Mrs. Rabbit sat up on her hind legs. "Uh-uh. It's on now. You are not gonna come up in my house and tell me you're gonna cook me. This may be your backyard, but you only own what's on top, I'm underneath, buddy, and it's all mine. You remember your little squirrel problem last summer? Let's just say I've got friends in high places that would be more than willing to move back into your pad. I'm about to set it off out here. Say something else, tell me one more time how you're gonna cook me. I will bring down a plague of rodents you've never seen."

I turned to go inside, mumbling, "you better be out of here by the end of the month or I'm spraying the yard with pesticide."

"I heard that...you just keep it up, funny man. I'll have Larry and Loretta chew through your wiring so fast you'll think it was magic."

I closed the door, but not before turning and sticking my tongue out at the rabbit. Her paw was still in the air, and she waved it like she just didn't care. I didn't care either. I'm not listening to that crap in my own yard.

I'm going to buy a cat.

A Big One.